June 19, 2005

Suburbia

Since Archi-Sapper has been in the sandbox for the past couple of weeks, I've had to do both my regular chores and his. This really isn't a big problem for the most part. I don't mind walking Maggie twice a day (we usually each walk her once a day), taking out the trash or doing stuff like that. I found the place where I have to draw the line.

Mowing the lawn.

Last weekend was the first time in my life I'd ever mowed a lawn. Before Archi skipped town, he took me outside and showed me how to put gas in the mower, how to start it, etc. After retrieving the mower and finally finding the gas can, I gassed it up (and only managed to get half the gas all over my hands. The other half actually made it into the gas tank). I pushed the little button to prime it and tried to start it. And tried. And tried. I looked like some sort of deranged idiot holding one hand on the handlebar and using the other to pull the cord so hard it ripped my feet right off the ground.

Once I got it started I mowed the back yard. This was a bad decision. I picked the back yard because it is somewhat obscured from traffic and thus, if I was doing it wrong, I would have fewer people watching me and laughing at me. It turned out to be a bad decision because the grass in the backyard is relatively thin. So mowing the backyard was pretty easy.

Once I finished that I moved to the front yard where the grass got progressively thicker. I could no longer push the stupid mower, but had to pull it and drag it through the grass and mulch. This was progressing (not well, but I wasn't in a position to be picky) until the mower died. "At last!" I thought, "a reprieve!" I went inside for a drink of water.

While inside I was hoping against hope that some nice neighbor would stop by our front lawn and steal our mower so I wouldn't have to go back outside and finish the job. I went back outside and no dice. It was still there. I managed to start it back up again, mowed the length of the lawn once more and again it died. I continued this charade for a couple of more swipes until it died altogether and refused to re-start. Defeated, I put the mower back up and decided I would have to live with the fact that our lawn was only mostly mowed.

The next day, after I'd eaten and slept, I looked at the lawn in the light of day and realized that the back yard looked great, and the front looked like it had been hacked by a machete.

I talked to Archi-Sapper and told him my tale of woe. He replied, "You know, I find this vastly amusing." I said, "Babe, I can't do this. Why won't the mower cut the grass?" He said, "Well, it's hard since the mower isn't self-propelled."

You've got to be kidding me. I could buy a cow and let it snack on my grass with better results than I got with that mower. Even a cow is self-propelled. After I finished mostly mowing our lawn, I looked like I had run a marathon -- and I didn't even finish!

I told Archi Sapper, "This is unacceptable. We've got to buy a new mower," to which he responded, "Phase one of my plan is complete."

So what am I doing today? You guessed it -- I'm trying again. This time I started with the thick grass in the front and the mower died as quickly as I expected. I'm sitting inside now, drinking my cool water and surfing the internet, in hopes that the mower will start when I go back out there.

And while the surfing the net, I Googled our lawn mower. What did I find? That apparently, I'm not alone. My favorite story is the one of the mower that caught fire. If my mower catches fire, I'm selling it for parts and using the money to buy shoes.

Posted by Kitty at June 19, 2005 02:23 PM

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