June 20, 2006

Prenatal Languages

After six months of pregnancy the only skills I've mastered are: (1) peeing on command, (2) giving blood just as often, (3) sleeping on my side and not my back and (4) spitting out terms that make no sense to the non-pregnant. I wasn't always good at peeing on command, especially as a kid (though, to be fair, I wouldn't do much on command as a kid). Now? I've evolved. I can empty my bladder, drink absolutely nothing, think about the desert and still manage to come up with a usable sample. It's too bad I can't market this by doing something useful like selling my samples to those in need. Although I'm not sure I want to meet the folks who are in the market for a urine sample.

Surprisingly, I was much better at giving blood as a child. Early on I learned to look the other way when they insert the needle and to talk about something else. It usually happens so fast, by the time I turn around they're done. Giving blood has always been a flattering experience for me, as well. I inevitably have a nurse telling me what great veins I have, as if this were a feature everyone wants, like washboard abs.

The sleeping on my side thing is something I tend to do fairly often, anyway, so that isn't a big transition for me. I've never been able to sleep on my stomach, so the prohibition on that isn't a big problem, either.

I think the biggest of the pregnancy related changes in my life (besides my expanding waistline and the increasing frequency of the kicks in my stomach) is the feeling that I'm one big lab experiment. Have you ever had an O'Sullivan test before? Are you familiar with Braxton Hicks? Do you go to your doctor once a month, every month and read books and articles on the internet about your body? If not, you've never been pregnant. All of this sneaking off to take strange tests, using words I'd never heard before and constantly "monitoring the situation" makes me feel vaguely like Archi-Sapper with his military duties. When he has his reserve duty, he goes off once a month to do some variation of the same thing each time, usually has something put in his file (or chart) based on what he did there and speaks in code about whatever it is he was doing. That sounds about right.

No matter how much time passes, although I get more used to having a baby inside of me, I still haven't gotten used to all of the tests and terminology. I'm starting to feel like my life is an episode of ER. And I don't care what anyone says. I still think Braxton Hicks is a law firm.

Posted by Kitty at June 20, 2006 12:18 PM

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