May 10, 2004
Surreal Cinema
On Friday night, Archi-Sapper and I joined our churches' high school youth group in a trip to the movies. As a rule I'm not a big moviegoer. I will typically only go see a movie if it really looks like something I would like (think: Lost in Translation) or if I've been convinced to go and have given in to placate someone (think: any movie starring J. Lo and trying to get my mother to stop asking why she doesn't have any grandchildren). That said, I'm definitely not the best person to weigh in on current flicks and I am certainly no movie critic.
We met up with the kids at 6:30 and I spent about ten minutes cajoling people into their cars so we wouldn't be late (we're always late). We drove over to the theater, bought tickets and vats of Coke and sat on the front row (my neck still hurts just thinking about it). The movie we saw? Van Helsing.
This movie blew. And I know I'm overly harsh with movies since most of the time I don't want to see them, anyway. I don't care. This was truly awful. I completely understand that movies such as these involve the willing suspension of disbelief. Fine. I'm willing to temporarily suspend reality while I'm in the theater. I still can't get past the lengthy chase scenes, strung together in an endless loop, interrupted by painfully long "acting" scenes. I kept hoping that one (or more) of the characters would walk off the set in pursuit of an acting coach, but no such luck.
Despite the fact that this movie lasted over two hours, and despite the fact that the dialogue was atrocious and despite the fact that no one, but no one could act even if they'd had a decent script, this movie cannot be forgiven for two things: (1) the main female protagonist spent lots and lots of time attempting to slay vampires while she was wearing earrings that are longer than anything Sheila E. wore in 1983; and (2) the same female protagonist was attempting to slay the same vampires while looking so heavily made up she looked as if she'd just left the Estee Lauder counter at Saks. I can barely walk from my car to the office every day without smudging my lipstick and this idiot avenges her family's decimation while sporting the latest in lipstick shades. Freak.
Posted by Kitty at May 10, 2004 09:26 PM
Comments
You have just confirmed what I thought when I saw the previews on TV. Of course I am not into any movie that depicts more than this simple mind can comprehend and surely vampires, meta-plasmatic people, superpoweral people, etc all fall in this arena for me (yep that's right I am not a Matrix fan.) Thanks for the review and humor.
PS I have posted, finally.
Posted by: greyheadedstranger at May 11, 2004 09:33 AM
but shes so damn hot...
Posted by: pylorns at May 11, 2004 04:25 PM
yeah she is. the only redeeming part of the movie were the close-ups of the boobs.
Posted by: Justin at May 12, 2004 08:38 AM
Oh yeah. If I were going to save the day, the script in my mind totally has me in a ripped chiffon dress and strappy sandals.
Of course, in reality, I would likely get run over by a bus while running from the bad guys, since with my luck my tights would fall down at that exact moment.
Going to see that one with Mr. Y's kids on Sunday-I can see I will need to be thinking entertaining thoughts to get myself through that one...
Posted by: Helen at May 12, 2004 12:38 PM
bravenet.com
I feel the same when I see women in movies running for their lives in four inch heels.
Posted by: Jenny at May 11, 2004 08:18 AM