December 04, 2004

Hand to Hand Combat

After I returned to my office on Friday afternoon, having spent the entire morning in court, I slumped in my paralegal's exta chair and said, "You know, the only thing I learned from my hearing this morning is that when you go to CDC, you never know what you're going to get."

I got to Court around 9:15 Friday morning. We had received a phone call from the judge's law clerk the day before, telling us that our motion would be last on the docket, so we didn't need to show up until 10:00, even though our motion had been set for 9:00. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm obsessively early, and I'd never appeared before that judge before, so I wanted to get a feel for how she would rule on other motions before I got up there and opened my mouth.

The judge finally got around to listening to our motion at 11:45. We all scooted through the little gate in the wooden divider (I know these fixtures of courtrooms have names, I just don't know what they are) and crowded around the small counsel tables. After we made our appearances, we sat down and I settled into my seat, confident that the defendants were going to lose this motion. I thought we would not only lose, but go down in a fiery ball of flames.

The hearing was underway when plaintiff's counsel --a very nice, fairly calm guy --was in the middle of his brilliant argument, and went to make his big pitch to the judge. With a flourish, he pulled a piece of paper from his large stack of papers, waved it around and said, "Your honor, to illustrate my point, I have a copy of an e-mail I sent to Dr. R, defendants' expert witness, just yesterday, as well as his response." At that point, he could've said that he was selling his body for parts for all anyone cared. There was a collective gasp among the defense lawyers, and we all said, almost in unison, "You e-mailed our expert and didn't tell us?!"

The poor man looked stricken. He looked like a poor little dog looks when you step on its tail -- that sad, "How could you do this to me?" look. He stammered and stumbled over a vague explanation until the judge said, "Mr. X, let me caution you not to contact any of defendants' experts without at least having the courtesy to let them know you're doing so." He (bravely or stupidly, depending on how you look at it), said, "Judge, if you'll point me to the rule that says I can't, then I won't, but...." and the judge responded, "Mr. X, let me suggest that you shut up." He weakly responded, "Okay."

I was still reeling from this piece of information, stunned that this seasoned litigator was trying to argue with a judge who had just admonished him in open court, when things got really weird.

The judge announced that she was finding in our favor -- really! I was so shocked, had I been the only defense lawyer there, I would've said, "Thank you!" and run away before she changed her mind. Naturally, others don't see things the way I do. The other defense lawyers, and the previously scolded plaintiff's lawyer, started bringing up things to the judge which had nothing to do with anything. Why are people so stupid? Why do they keep arguing after they've won? Why do they keep arguing after they've lost? The judge isn't going to change her mind. *sigh* Well, the judge wanted none of that, and finally got so sick of it she kicked us out of her courtroom. She yelled, "Next case! Get out, folks! Call the next case!" Don't be fooled -- the judge is very nice. She had to yell to be heard over the din of these idiots.

We all put our tails between our legs and scurried into the hallway where it got ugly. Two defense lawyers in particular were giving the plaintiff's lawyer a really hard time about the e-mail revelation. "Don't EVER contact my experts without my permission!" "That is soooooo unethical!" "What is WRONG with you?" It was very mature.

This continued, in loud, threatening tones, until we reached the elevator. At that point, it completely disintegrated. One particularly feisty defense lawyer said, "Mr. X, if you EVER contact one of my experts again without my permission, I'm filing a motion for sanctions." He walked up to her, got one inch from her face and said, "Oh really?", to which she responded, "Oh yes. Really." They dramatically stared at each other for a minute or two, and I was thinking, "What is this, Bring it On?"

We all got into the tiny elevator together and the shouting continued. It was more of the same: "Well, Mr. X, I was hoping we could work together on things, but apparently NOT." "I would work with you defense lawyers if I hadn't been lied to." "We didn't lie to you! You snuck around behind our backs!" etc, etc. This reached such a fever pitch that one poor soul who was stuck in the elevator with us -- who has nothing to do with our case -- turned around and told them to shut up.

Once out of the elevator, the lawyers took their bickering outside, and followed each other back to their law firms, fighting the entire way. I need to change professions and do something that's less stressful. Maybe I could take a series seven exam.....

Posted by Kitty at December 4, 2004 07:53 PM

Comments

stock broker?

Posted by: pylorns at December 5, 2004 10:44 AM

If only Gerolyn "X" had been there; blood would have been let, fur would have flown, wigs would have been snatched off and flung into the path of a streetcar. The "bi-polary" lady would have stopped her streetcar and cursed you all.

Posted by: "Chad" at December 6, 2004 12:25 PM

Chad, that was the crazy thing. Gerolyn was there, but she was there for another hearing and was acting really calm. It was like Freaky Friday.

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